he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
