How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
