Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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