we have pet lesbian snakes
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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