# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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