somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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