Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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