my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
