There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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