I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize