I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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