i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
