and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
