I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
