While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
