sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
