I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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