Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
