Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
