Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
