I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We don't watch enough power rangers
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
