All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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