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Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
