I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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