I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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