The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
