Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
