it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
