Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
