Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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