Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
