we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
