the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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