It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
