You smell like stripper and shame
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
