i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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