I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
