He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
