Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
