A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
