You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize