someone threw a dead crab at me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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