u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
