I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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