I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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