you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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