I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
