the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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