Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
