he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Randomize
