i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
