my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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