dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
