how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Hippo gnu deer
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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