I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
