how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
