I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
