He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
