Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
