Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
