he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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