On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Houston, we have a blender
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
