I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
