Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
