I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
