Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
