I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
