A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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