I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
