So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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