Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
