When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
