First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
