I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
