If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
