Kareoke will never be a sober sport
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
