I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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